Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
Hes drunk and dancing naked. I can hear his dick smacking his legs from the next room.
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
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