thx for the lesson on dirrty dancing
I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
we're in NC now and so far we've smoked a blunt in every state with the exception of Tennessee which we accidentally went to
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
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