I'm pants shitting drunk right now
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
Can you really blame Steve Phillips? He went to Michigan. Plowing fat girls is a 100-level course there.
just got a girls number while on a 5 am adderall cig break this is college at its finest
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
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