the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
If his smile makes you freak out and drop things imagine what his penis could do
he puked all over my guest bed and the said he felt good enough to clean it up. he poured bleach all over the bed and passed out in it. he had the chemiacal burn for a month...
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
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