legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
Now I'm watching The History of Sex on the History Channel. They're talking about how repressed the 30s were. I think I understand why grandma is such an angry person.
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
It's all good. Going back to my room to try and air out my balls.
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
Atlanta road trip update. Jimmy fell into the petting tank at the aquarium. And freaked out. With cops now... Keep you posted
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
What part of a retired stonemason dealing with your rock hard cock does not sound like you have the wrong number ?
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
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