I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
I've never had goosebumps on my dick before. It was definitely not a bad feeling.
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Randomize
