It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
it's gonna be a chat room kind of night
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
YOU ARE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF MY INEBRIATED STATE
YOU ARE DRUNK AND USED AND SPELLED THE WORD "INEBRIATED" CORRECTLY. I AM TAKING ADVANTAGE OF NOTHING.
I CAN'T HELP THAT I'M MULTITALENTED YA FUCKER
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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