Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
Let me tell you the story of bicurious george
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
Hahahaha. He sent me a dick snap in the lululemon stockroom. What is life. If this works out, this could benefit everyone....
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
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