Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
so I was thinking like, Rob Pattinson could make so much money whoring himself out dressed as Edward Cullen.
yeah, I mean if he's down to fuck a lot of fat chicks and stare at Tiger Beat posters of himself above the bed...
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
he matches the description of mystery hookup #2, 4, and 7
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
Randomize
