A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
You're the only chick there. That's not an orgy, that's called a gang bang...
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
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