I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
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