I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
Wtf are freshmen gonna think when the first thing they see in a pale 6'4 white kid with a mustache yelling ya man and we be liming in a Trinidadian accent
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
the sex was good. her showing me pictures of her 4 year old daughter afterwards was not.
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
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