areolas are like halos for boobs.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
Thanks, mom.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
there is nothing ok with the fact that that was the 4th time i peed in the same parking ramp
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Randomize
