Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
how can you tell if its a queef or a fart from that close?
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
as we waited for a manager to come open the door that we broke while having sex on the wall, we decided to go round two in the hallway before he came back.. god i love hotels.
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
Well my sources tell me she just happens to appear in an episode girls gone wild.
I know someone that will spend hours looking for her. He also has many of said movies. And I will do it for free!
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
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