She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?
Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
Randomize
