My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
holy shit thats the most artistic dick pic ever
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
BOOTY CALL IN EFFECT, BOOTY CALL IN PROCESS, BOOTY CALL ACCEPTED, AND BOOTY CALL INITIATES FRIDAY NIGHT.
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
Randomize
