goodnight i made you a song goodbye
dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
he told me that if i wanted to smoke he could make a piece out of my shoe. were keeking this kid around
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
I was in the library and saw 2 dudes hackysacking in a study room with 3 girls working. I asked if I could join; as soon as I closed the door the chicks offered me tequila shots. study session w/everyone cancelled, I'm busy.
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
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