I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
It's an Italian thing I guess, grew up on that shit.
I'm Irish, we don't eat cow guts unless they're blended into a fine whiskey
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
you sang the finger bang song from south park while fingering me. needless to say, kind of a turn off.
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
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