I just spent the night with a bunch of indian guys and i wasn't attracted to a single one. Yeah i've officially become an anti-indian indian.
This girls a $30 bar tab from being bi
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
This baby is an asshole
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
Randomize
