Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
good it was pretty cute, also what would bong water do to a puppy?
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
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