Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
I literally just fucked insane clown pussy. 24 yo nut job moonlights at children's parties. Gave me head while still in full clown makeup from my kid's birthday party.
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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