I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
Lmao the neighbor heard yall last night She wanted me to tell you way to finish strong
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
Your english degree would kill itself if it could read that text.
maybe a couloe typos.. noooooooooo big deal
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