i know he has to tuck it when he gets excited in public and all, but now he is just starting to show off.
got some bad news about ur virginity. she didnt make it thru the night
You watched "From Justin to Kelly" and sang along to more than half of the songs. I didn't know whether to laugh or to be insanely frightened that you knew almost all the lyrics.
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
In all fairness I didnt see your dick because it was already in her
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
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