Don't make out with my wife yet
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
now that we broke up we are playing hot potato with the cock ring.. Poor thing just needs a home
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
Randomize
