I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
He is like the real live version of the state fair..
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
he's single and there are thong briefs.
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
Randomize
