He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
just looked at his mug shot... not really my type
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
we went book shopping, so yes this relationship is going to be about more than sex
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
Randomize
