I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
Anything that's based on a blow job I'm in favor of.
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
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