seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
He tied me to the bed, fucked me and left me tied up until he proved to his room mates that he actually fucked me. But other than that, best sex ever!
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
Randomize
