I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
Yeah i mean there's 3 guys fighting over me. It would just be bitchy of me not to get with at least 1.
she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
now I regret adding my aunt on facebook. she remnded me today on my wall about the importance of checking my stools for blood since I have diaherria.
Normal people don't sit around and watch Degrassi for twelve hours...
FUCK YOU.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
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