I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
The band last night was really good
That was definitely karaoke. Guess that answers my follow up question on how drunk you were.
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
my nose is crying tears of wow.
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
I'm always down for nudity.
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
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