He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
i just got yelled at for having sex. this sorority thing is worst than being at home. at least at home they think im still a virgin
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
