i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
Her sex list was a LOT longer than mine. She tried to justify it by saying '4 of those don't count because they were in the gang bang'.
he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
Randomize
