I really want to fuck my wifes sister.
We were in the backseat and he was giggling uncontrolably. It felt like I was giving head to a 10 year old girl.
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
Please don't give away my fajitas
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
Randomize