Just saw truck nuts on a handicap conversion van
this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
Best friends brother. Beat that.
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
Has anyone ever blacked out at an art show your dad brought you to?
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
Randomize
