I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
Actually some of the best sex I've had involved a lot of laughing.
How small IS your cock?
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
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