I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
Randomize
