He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
I'm playing the Jersey Shore drinking game by myself at my mom's house. Things like this are not okay after college.
just thinking about him makes my vagina shudder.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
If my drunken penis pic is ever to be forgiven id like to start over with all that
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
Randomize
