I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
at FSU your more likely to get an STD than a parking spot
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
Why is it that the asexual in our group is the one that gets laid the most often??
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
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