You're a womanizer and a bitch.
I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
He has a lot of emotional energy invested in your vagina.
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
Drink drank drunk tankkkkn, LETS GO
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
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