I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you.
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
threw up in the library. i should be embarrassed, but i'm willing to bet that i'm one of the first so i'm kinda proud.
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
I wish there were birth control emojis
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
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