Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
That one dude should feel honored if he were to get herpes from you. Fuck that Guy. He is a herpe.
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
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