apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
whoever created level 16 on brickbreaker is a dick
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
Randomize
