Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
Just from watching vine I come to conclusion that all pornstars are dog hoarders.
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
Randomize