just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
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