my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
This toilet bowl is my home.
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