So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
grad school is all the worst parts of undergrad, without the binge drinking and bad decisions to make up for it
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
I wore Yonce braids out last night and made out with a man and a woman #bowdown is right
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
Randomize
