I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
Some girl just showed me her stretch marks
You need to get out of tn
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
My vagina is very pro this idea
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
I don't know how it started but we all ended up shirtless andI was covered in crawfish and wearing a sombrero.
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
Randomize
