My bad bro. I had no idea that when i suggested our triva team name be my last abortion tickled, that she would bring up cancun. Stay strong i think she really liked you
U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
Yep, it's a dick on our front door. Intentional?
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
Randomize