Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
The TA leading my study session just said "now get outta here. I need to get drunk before class"
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
Randomize
