woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
I'm so high, I forgot to harvest my farmville crops....noooooooo.
Worst stoner tragedy.
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
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