I have this horrible feeling I'm going to blackout tonight & only be able to say 'wasabi bobby' over & over again.
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
Randomize
