you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
Randomize
