In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
I cnant read. Cheetos goen. Help. Grt Cheetos.
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
Randomize