I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
Status Uddate: I lost half a tooth and Alison is taking Amy Grant requests via bullhorn
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
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