You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
Randomize
