You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
Somewhere during foreplay he said something about me only being with two other guys... I just went with it cause we have never had that conversation...
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
Randomize
