i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
Halloween 2010: the NuvaRing girls. You're Thursday. We'll walk into the party chanting "Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday, Everydaaay".
He poured the shots. We did them together. I cheersd him out of the shower
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
i mean let's face it...the pregnant girl was really slowing us down.
He has a lot of emotional energy invested in your vagina.
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Randomize
