Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
Randomize
