Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
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