We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Randomize
