She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
its totally unfair that im just as ill-prepared as a 16 year old but there's no tv show for 25 and pregnant.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
so i might have figured out why that girl isn't talking to me...I'm 90% confident I didn't give her a pillow when she stayed over >.>
I'm making a quesadilla and including it in the picture because that's the only way I think I can send her dick pics.
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
Randomize
