what do kids with lesbian moms do for father's day? like do you talk about it? is it awkward? do you get the butchy mom a card?
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
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