Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
That was an excessively violent trivia night
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize
